I want to start this post by saying that either you choose to breastfeed your baby or bottle feed your baby- it doesn’t matter. What matters, in my opinion, is that your baby is fed and is getting all the nutrients they need.
Before I had Neal (his birth story), I was pretty set on breastfeeding him. I had read others stories that it is hard but how hard? – I had no idea, obviously. The next few days that followed just made me so averse to breastfeeding. Since it was the day 1 after giving birth, my milk hadn’t come in. I was getting some colostrum but no milk, which is what happens. Neal was also having issues with latching and it seemed like he was getting milk but then when he didn’t pee for almost 36 hours after his birth, the doctors and nurses got concerned and came to the conclusion that he was probably not latching on correctly and so was not getting enough milk, hence fluid in his body. And they recommended to give him supplement to increase his body fluid. And I was given a pump to help bring my supply up and also get some colostrum to give to Neal.
I felt so bad that I was not enough and how could my body not do what my baby needed. Like it was betraying me, this is what I decided to do, this is what I’m supposed to do, how can I not do this. I felt so dejected and, in that moment, decided to just pump and give him bottles of breastmilk. Let me tell you, there is so much pressure on breastfeeding from everyone, the doctors and the nurses sometimes that it starts getting uncomfortable.
The nurses in the pediatric wing, the first pediatrician we saw, a lot of your relatives and people who will never talk about your body in general who suddenly think it is okay to talk about your boobs- they come and tell you- oh breastfeeding is the best, why are you not breastfeeding. I came to almost tears in the hospital when it felt like it was my fault that he was not breastfeeding or getting enough milk. But I had decided to give him bottle, just because that kept me sane, knowing that he was getting enough to drink.
At around 3- month mark, something shifted in me. Since whenever my husband gave Neal his bottle, I pumped, to me it felt like he was not bonding with me- which is nuts! I grew him for 9 months. There is no greater bond than that for him right now. But that was what my mom heart thought and I decided to try breastfeeding again. There were a lot of tears- both Neal and mine, a lot many times sore boobs and one lactation consultant. That is all it took for us to successfully start breastfeeding. I started with once a day and then we moved to all his feeds slowly.
Now, Neal is going to be 1 soon and he is back on formula for all his feeds since my milk supply went down around 10-11-month mark. I am SO thankful that I was able to share this special time with my son. I feel sad that I don’t get that alone time with him anymore but I am also a bit relieved to get those times back to maybe just sit and scroll on my phone.
And since I have done both, let me tell you, breastfeeding or bottle feeding- none of that is easy. Making sure that your baby breastfeeds well and gets all the food that he needs from you, and all that comes with it- NOT EASY. Getting up in the midnights, early mornings for just pumping and having that dedication to pump 7-8 times day- NOT EASY. In the end what matters here is that your baby is fed, how he is fed- that doesn’t matter.
So, that’s my journey! A total 180 from what I had planned but when has planning ever worked anyway, ha!
